STOP DRINKING: Why alcohol kills self-improvement

By Brian Lemay 100 comments


So I want to talk about how to get better
in your social skills, your charisma, and, specifically, I want to talk about one thing
that you can stop doing that is going to help you improve so much faster, and that thing,
though it might sound like sacrilege, is to STOP DRINKING. Now, a lot of people look at me like I’m crazy
when I say this. They’re like, “What does my drinking occasionally when I’m with friends
have to do with my charisma and social skills?” Well, there’s three main things, three benefits
that you can expect to see when you cut out drinking, and here’s what they are. The first
one is that your passive social skills, without even thinking about it, begin to improve when
you stop drinking, and the reason is very simple. Social skills are a skill, right?
When you’re playing the guitar, when you’re playing soccer or anything else, you wouldn’t go
get sloshed or have a couple of drinks to loosen up beforehand because that will slow
the learning process down. You wouldn’t be picking up the little things. Now, when you
go out to a networking event, and first have two drinks before you start to mingle and
feel comfortable, what you’re actually doing is you are slowing yourself down, and you’re
going to passively pick up far less than you would if you just force yourself to deal with
it, push through, be courageous, and sober, and see what happened around you. The second is that the active building of
your social skills drops tremendously, and this is a huge one because I often think of
these debriefs that I use to do, and then, when I was much more shy, I’d go out into
a social situation and I would look around me, and say, “Okay, what’s going on?” And
then, I’d come home afterwards and I’d say, “What happened there? How did it go? Who was
I comfortable with? Who was I uncomfortable with?” And, most importantly, what do I wish
that I had done differently? How could I change? What would I have said instead? Now, obviously, when you’re drinking, the
first thing that goes is your recall. So you go try to debrief after a night that you’ve
had three drinks, you’ll go, “Well, I think I talked to them, and then I talked to them,
but I don’t really know how we started conversation.” And you cannot get that same sort of learning
that comes from dealing with it. And, again, you are robbing yourself of the experience
of being courageous in a social situation, which, really, is 50% of the battle when it
comes to being more charismatic and social and outgoing, which brings me to number three.
And you know the kind of night where you’re just going out when you’re out when you’re
not planning anything special. Well, that’s what happened to me. I was in New York City
going out with some friends, not planning on anything cool when I walked into this bar,
and immediately, first thing, saw this woman that I had to get to know, and I thought,
“You know exactly what to do. You know to be cool, confident, collected. Go do it. Go
to the bar and go get three drinks. Better yet, get four drinks, and then, in 25 minutes,
come back, and then, you’ll be cool enough, and comfortable enough to make this woman
interested.” And no sooner did that thought pass through my head, then it completely exposed
and rocked and embarrassed me because I was not the man that I wanted to be. I was not
someone who could go do those things. I used alcohol as a crutch to be more comfortable
and confident. You see, while I wasn’t chemically dependent
on it, and, maybe, you aren’t either, I was socially dependent on it, and when I look
around at the bars, networking events, social events, I see so many people who share this
and it pissed me off. I was saying to myself, like how could you have let this happen, where
you’re supposed to be someone who feels so comfortable and has worked so hard, yet, you
still use this masking drug to, basically, cover up the ways in which you’re insecure.
And from that moment on, that was it. In social situations, I stopped drinking because it
had really viscerally connected with how much it was stopping me from moving forward in
all of the ways I want to. So, I challenge you. If you sense this in networking events,
social events, parties, anywhere, even if you’re just out with friends, and you think,
“You know what? To have fun what I need to do is drink,” maybe you’re out with the wrong
friends or to the wrong event. Maybe, what you should do, instead, is to learn how to
create fun from within, and not need to, basically, turn your brain off to convince yourself that
the things around you are interesting, are fun, or that you’re interesting. So, I challenge you, for once. The next time
that you go out and you feel the urge to match other people by drinking, or that you think
this would be more fun if I drink, or that you think that I could be more outgoing and
confident if I drink, don’t. Just don’t, right? And if you’re in with this, what you will
see is that these benefits, for the first time, is going to feel uncomfortable. They
will begin to accrue. You’ll notice things when you’re out. You’ll be able to debrief
afterwards, break down things that went well, things that didn’t, and you’ll have, basically,
higher self-esteem because you’re on the road to being the person that you want to be. So, what I highly recommend is if you’re in,
go ahead, comment below, say that you’re in, commit, get some accountability there, even
if I don’t comment back to you. Secondly, if you have any questions about this–What
do I say when somebody asks me if I’m drinking? How do I deal with drunk people? How do I
have fun when I’m not drinking?–write those in the comments. I’m planning on doing a whole
series. Those questions will be covered, but if you have others, write them in and I’ll
tell you how I’ve dealt with them over the last three years. And, of course, if you want
to see these videos, Charisma breakdowns, others, get tips on how to be more outgoing,
charismatic, and to live with higher self-esteem, subscribe to this channel. I’ll be creating
more videos like this, shooting from my bedroom whenever the sun isn’t shining too much in
the window. So, hope this has been helpful, and I will see you in the next video.

100 Comments

Michael Rossouw

Sep 9, 2018, 6:54 pm Reply

I'm in!

A Talking Afro

Sep 9, 2018, 2:30 am Reply

The adventure of going to night clubs and not drinking is hilariously exciting. When I would drink my vibe for the night would slowly spiral down just from waiting in the long lines.

j f

Oct 10, 2018, 3:27 pm Reply

Agree with others that have said my life got better in every, single way when I stopped drinking ( I drank pretty heavily for years). It’s really amazing how stagnant you can become when you are keeping your brain busy by keeping it numb. My only regret is hat I didn’t stop sooner.

photodojo57

Oct 10, 2018, 12:12 am Reply

Who's ready for Sober October :))

Ambrosia Romo

Oct 10, 2018, 12:40 am Reply

I freaking love this! I can't lie, as a woman in college in New York City it is extremely difficult to not drink out in the town with the girls. I find myself aiming for the bar as soon as we arrive somewhere or when I am out with friends at a social gathering or event. I immediately set my sight on the prices for drinks and what I want to purchase, thinking its always better to have a drink in my hand, it'll make me seem more approachable. Instead of scoping out my surroundings and observing the people I could potentially connect to, I let myself get distracted by a drink! I am going to commit to this challenge to not drink the next time I go out. I am curious to see what will happen and what I might learn, thank you so much for this! I am fun without alcohol and I know this to be the truth, thank you for reminding me.

yogpodfan420

Oct 10, 2018, 3:20 am Reply

stop drinking… smoke meth.

Chris Polk

Oct 10, 2018, 3:23 pm Reply

I'm in bro

Roxana Desmedt

Oct 10, 2018, 9:05 am Reply

Thank you so much, I needed to listen to that talk. And you convinced me!

NOK FLIX

Nov 11, 2018, 5:09 am Reply

you cant fake this sh*t just meditate.

rivdan 238

Nov 11, 2018, 12:50 pm Reply

your third eye is coming out bro

Steve Wirtes

Nov 11, 2018, 4:31 am Reply

Despite the horrible haircut ( cut might be fine, but the current doo is sloppy ). You're advise is absolutely fucking amazing!

Shravani Sawant

Nov 11, 2018, 9:35 am Reply

Loved this video!

DRGH DRGH

Nov 11, 2018, 11:33 am Reply

Sometimes i just like the taste of something besides water. i don't drink sodas so wine or a beer for me. I am sooo much fun without alcohol. People think i am drunk when I am sober and sober when i am drunk. haha But this is a great video

Blurr ble

Nov 11, 2018, 10:07 pm Reply

Im in

Nick S

Dec 12, 2018, 10:31 am Reply

I’m in, comment back ??

Some SJW Male Feminist’s Balls

Dec 12, 2018, 4:29 pm Reply

Let's do it boys, I'm in.

Ashish Tigga

Dec 12, 2018, 5:40 pm Reply

I Drink Twice A Week that Too Hard Whiskey

Icy Opportunity

Dec 12, 2018, 1:12 am Reply

Does the same apply with weed? and when is it appropriate to take drugs?

Luay Lg

Dec 12, 2018, 6:32 am Reply

I haven't drink Kohl's

Mote141

Dec 12, 2018, 10:31 am Reply

Fuck being charismatic and mask my insecurities. I dont drink to socialize but to get wasted big time!

S. Nilsen

Dec 12, 2018, 1:02 pm Reply

Sober is great but I can’t take my eyes off the dot between your eyes.

RichardE. Sears

Dec 12, 2018, 9:24 pm Reply

This Video definitely is correct Because i distinctively noticed when i stopped drinking for a week, i noticed how i felt more empowered with an added Edge in my Feelings & I Felt Charismatic Charm Within. And Thank You Charisma On Command!!

Angel Carrillo

Dec 12, 2018, 4:54 am Reply

Never thought about the idea that drinking is a social clutch
Imma give it a try!

Arlo Dante

Dec 12, 2018, 4:53 pm Reply

I'm in.

Sebastian Cardenas

Jan 1, 2019, 6:04 pm Reply

In

charlie villarreal

Jan 1, 2019, 7:26 am Reply

I will commit

Sina Basir

Jan 1, 2019, 8:51 pm Reply

Thank you brother! Been putting it off and know it. I'M IN!

Joe Orsak

Jan 1, 2019, 3:19 am Reply

I drink to make OTHER PEOPLE more interesting.

Andrew Rawlins

Jan 1, 2019, 9:54 pm Reply

Content covered is still relevant today! Happy 2019.

Nicola Soare

Jan 1, 2019, 6:19 pm Reply

Socially dependent on cigarettes

Chris Norton

Jan 1, 2019, 7:02 pm Reply

I can't listen to you while you're wearing that ridiculous hat.

Liska van Rijin

Jan 1, 2019, 8:59 pm Reply

I felt that drinking is not good for the reasons you stated a while ago, and watching your video made me know why it is like that 🙂 the best conversation I recently had was at a birthday party where I didn't even drink a shot to congratulate the friend that threw the party, because I didnt feel good that evening. and later I had an 1 1/2 hour conversation with a friend about things that really matter in life. when I left two girls where so drunk we had to care for them, and that made me really sad. what will they remember? nothing, maybe that it ended horrible for them. I dont remember the conversations that I had when I got some drinks when I was out, but this sober one I will remember for a long time.
thanks for the video 🙂 it really made some things clear.

Constantine Alkhou

Jan 1, 2019, 9:14 pm Reply

I commit

hippity hoppity

Jan 1, 2019, 11:40 pm Reply

i like the video but im gonna make an exception if im on a shitty party, because forgetting is the goal

David Walega

Jan 1, 2019, 1:04 am Reply

Sobriety is my Super Power. Everyone else is not aware while you can be at the top of your game.
Amazing.

Mark McMillen

Jan 1, 2019, 5:40 pm Reply

I agree with this video from one perspective only. It appears that this guy and many of the people who've commented here, were ABUSING alcohol. If that is the case (and it certainly appears to be), then you absolutely should stop drinking. But to those of us who aren't addicted and don't abuse alcohol, who don't allow it to dictate our behavior, then this video is completely irrelevant.

verfed

Jan 1, 2019, 8:37 pm Reply

Do you still drink on your own? Like a beer with dinner, scotch by the fireplace?

Warren Thrasher

Jan 1, 2019, 5:16 pm Reply

This is awesome. Thank you. Finally a good argument for why NOT to drink.

Caroline Marchand

Jan 1, 2019, 12:19 pm Reply

Of course if you drink to feel comfortable it may not be the best idea… but a glass of wine bc the wine tastes good has never slowed down my abilities… not everyone drinks bc of insecurity…

Pascal Rossignol Merat

Feb 2, 2019, 5:48 pm Reply

Well, haven't finished that series on alcohol yet but … can already tell it's full of surprisingly good facts and wisdom. This series is a public utility worldwide (or wherever alcohol is drunk in excess … almost everywhere) period … good job 😉

EDIT: And I am talking from the point of view of someone who lives in a country in europe where alcohol is "needed" to have fun (you're video made me realizer that's not the case) … And I am currently going to voluntary rehab not just to get rid of my alcohol addiction and tobacco as well. Cheers and good luck (even thouhg I post this in 2019 things have changed for you in your outlook for life … but hey .. to learn is to change right?)

Pascal Rossignol Merat

Feb 2, 2019, 5:49 pm Reply

By the way, could we get a translation of things in several language? Some of my french speaking friends could see this (I am at the hospital and there might be a welcome back party in my life).

Maurio Carson

Feb 2, 2019, 2:42 am Reply

You’re more than likely to come across as a jack ass when you’re socializing while drunk. Especially if it’s with a girl you feel you got to know. In the end she’ll laugh at you and leave you feeling ashamed and humiliated. Which, is more of the reason why I don’t drink.

Vincent Newson

Feb 2, 2019, 3:30 pm Reply

im innn

John Bartolomei

Feb 2, 2019, 3:20 pm Reply

I'm in

Alksi

Feb 2, 2019, 9:37 pm Reply

i'm in

DG

Feb 2, 2019, 5:06 am Reply

Great video. Thank you!

Kazama Jin

Mar 3, 2019, 7:36 am Reply

I’m in I’m committed to no drinking!

Charles Maziriri

Mar 3, 2019, 8:14 pm Reply

stopped drinking,im now a beast

Steven Rider

Mar 3, 2019, 6:30 am Reply

This is a great video that I never saw (before you were BIG TIME 😜). Great work. Maybe more videos attacking alcohol might catch some interest?!?

Jeet Sharma

Mar 3, 2019, 6:09 pm Reply

Why am I here I don't even drink.

L K

Mar 3, 2019, 3:00 am Reply

I'm way late on this, but I could give it a shot. (Not to be confused with taking a shot.) If I remember tomorrow, idk, I'm drinking rn.

m270891

Mar 3, 2019, 2:54 pm Reply

Second time i'm watching this. Been drinking few days ago and was guilty and uncomfortable next day. Feel like drinking is not part of who i want to be anymore, so i'm in!

instantkorver

Mar 3, 2019, 7:44 pm Reply

I am in

Josh Kendrick

Apr 4, 2019, 10:19 pm Reply

It's certainly true that being buzzed or drunk in social situations makes it more likely for you to exercise poor judgement, and lose the awareness you need to build social skills. It's also true that drinking removes your inhibitions, and brings out more emotional sides of yourself that you normally suppress (your inner personality and current frames of mind come out, and change more quickly). If you're wanting to improve social skills, then drinking socially is foolish. If you've got some unsolved problems/anger issues/depression/etc that end up plaguing your mind even when you're sober, drinking is also foolish. Also, using anything as a crutch for your lack of personal responsibility is foolish, whether it be a mind-altering substance (coffee is the biggest aside from hardcore drugs), or any other thing that you enjoy, or allows you to be lazier/disconnected from reality.

That being said, alcohol isn't "poison", or guaranteed to give you bad times. Demonizing it isn't very productive (and often counter-intuitive). I drink, but in moderation (a noticeable buzz is as far as I go anymore), and with good sense. I usually drink alone while relaxing and unwinding, and only socially when I'm around people that I'm close to, that I don't feel the need to hold back around. If I'm talking to someone I want to get to know better, I avoid it. If I'm talking about something serious, I avoid it. If I'm in a public place, I might have a drink or two, but not enough to get a noticeable buzz, as that dulls my situational awareness, and puts me in a bad position to talk to someone new. I also avoid drinking when I know I have something on my mind that I NEED to fully address and work out, that will certainly end up at the forefront of my mind while buzzed sooner or later.

Alcohol is to be enjoyed under good conditions and in relatively small amounts, and nothing else – follow that rule, and you'll never have problems with it, physically or psychologically. It's all about self-discipline and self-awareness/respect; the only people who suffer bad times from drinking are those that exercise neither. I have no trouble staying away from it, but I also don't feel the need to avoid it like the plague, since it's not chemically addictive, like most (if not all) actual drugs are, caffeine included. Seriously, cutting out caffeine is FAR more important than cutting out light to moderate drinking.

Be smart, and enjoy the unnecessary things you can without sacrificing the important things. 😉

Nerd About Dogs

Apr 4, 2019, 11:14 am Reply

Seeee I knew it wasn't just weird and freakish that I don't drink. 😁

Tyler Durden

Apr 4, 2019, 4:50 am Reply

Rsdtyler

Courtney

Apr 4, 2019, 1:09 pm Reply

I'm really struggling with this at the moment and it's nice to see I'm not alone. Using alcohol as a clutch as a means to get those anxieties and bad voices out of my head when I'm out and to use it as a confidence booster when in reality the next day I'm completely embarrassed of myself and how I acted(I overreact….none of the things I do or say are really that bad – they just feel that way to me) is a struggle for me. Definitely something I'm working on though.

D N

Apr 4, 2019, 8:36 pm Reply

Challenge accepted! "Trust me when i said said i like this video" sometimes it's little things that make a big impact.

buskola

May 5, 2019, 4:36 pm Reply

so… alcohol kills… but we all die one day… so it doesnt matter when

Jan-Romet Kasemaa

May 5, 2019, 8:12 am Reply

You've come a long way, considering quality. But I kind of like the hair.

Anjali Rajiv

May 5, 2019, 8:50 pm Reply

I'M IN

wren mott

May 5, 2019, 10:58 pm Reply

I’m in

Energy Clown

May 5, 2019, 9:00 pm Reply

Imagine being the life of the party without dependancy on alcohol. Then you drink alcohol and your social skills will become legendary!

Laniakea -000-

May 5, 2019, 6:14 pm Reply

This video came to me right when I needed it. Recently, I’ve been thinking about quitting alcohol because it massively hurts my social skills. I often say or do things that I’ll regret the day later. Anyway, a good way to fight the peer pressure is saying that alcohol interferes with a medication that you take. Nobody insists after that. 🙂

Sloe Bone

May 5, 2019, 9:31 am Reply

It decreases inhibitions which is very useful in new social situations. You also need to consider bars are centered around drinking. Restaurants, concerts, sporting events, festivals, cookouts, house parties, pool parties… are all appropriate social events to have a drink.

I you can’t handle a drink at a social event, you might have a problem.

Claudia Duran

May 5, 2019, 4:24 pm Reply

I don't tell people I don't drink. I tell them I've been sober for _ years, that way they think it's a touchy subject and they're less likely to pry or give me a hard time for not drinking.

Filip, Live Free

Jun 6, 2019, 9:07 am Reply

I'm in. Shoulda started this a looong time.

Axel Alucard

Jun 6, 2019, 11:44 pm Reply

I'm in!

Lee Volmer

Jun 6, 2019, 6:08 pm Reply

After 10 years of frequent drinking (starting at age 15) I decided to quit as of June 1st, 2019! Excited for this journey to get to know myself without a social/relaxation crutch.

Violet

Jun 6, 2019, 11:07 am Reply

I think as long as one can have beautiful sober encounters, one can keep on drinking. I occasionally pass though, just to remind myself what it's like

CaellenH

Jun 6, 2019, 4:17 am Reply

K, you’ve got nice hair now, but dang you had cool hair here 👌

Andrea Hernandez

Jun 6, 2019, 3:08 pm Reply

Im in !

shivani sharma

Jun 6, 2019, 4:23 pm Reply

Can you pls direct me to a resource to help an older family member struggling with alcohol addiction and how I can help them take my advice on this seriously?

Hypatia Ravenclaw Sklodowska

Jun 6, 2019, 1:42 pm Reply

"socially dependent on it" ikr??!! i cannot count all the times when friends would see me drunking a juice or lemonade ir whatever non-alcoholic drink while we're in a bar or anywhere, like it is so horrible
They'd even ask me if I am alright
Why? I just feel like drinking juice ir water, the same way sometimes I feel like drinking a cold beer and sometimes I am in the mood for mulled wine and sometimes I want a coctail or scotch
And what is most weird is that suddenly when I say I am not in the mood for alcohol, sometimes ALMOST EVERYONE FROM THE GROUP changes their minds too!!! Why are they under this social pressure to drink alcohol when going out?? These are all people that know each other for years and love each other, they are not normally judgemental people, who worry too much about what other people would say
Why is it so deep in our culture?

Marty D

Jun 6, 2019, 2:38 am Reply

okay gonna try this from here on out! btw did you stop drinking altogether?

Da_Queen_Regg

Jun 6, 2019, 5:54 pm Reply

I am in. I am socially dependent on it and i noticed at my graduation party no alcohol that i can have fun without alcohol. I am in

Salina Singh

Jun 6, 2019, 4:28 pm Reply

God bless you!<3

warner warner

Jul 7, 2019, 4:53 pm Reply

A little late but, I AM IN!

Corvid

Jul 7, 2019, 7:57 pm Reply

It's a lot more difficult to learn anything from a poison that really doesn't have a lot of nice qualities to it. I've learned nothing about my personality from alcohol, apart from "I can be a really horrible person for no reason" and "I can make some really poor decisions", and other crap I already know.

I've learned some truly wonderful things from drugs though… perhaps I'm just the only one, certainly feels like it. Dangers and addiction aside (both of which are monumentally overstated to the point of it being comical), I can't be alone in having changed for the better as a person by experincing substances that can make you feel overwhemling love and empathy, and generally have a fantastic time around other people. Sure, it's artificial… but once all is said and done, I've still got a bunch of very powerful memories of having a good time. It doesn't really matter that you and a mate were high, that 9 hour deep and meaningful conversation still happened… and if you learn fast, you realise you should talk to that friend more openly, more often. You suddenly don't need a drug to do it, you never did… but you did just get a positive net gain from the very normal "I'm gonna ingest this stuff because it makes me feel good with my mates" side of humans, that virtually everyone satisfies with alcohol. Would I recomend people do drugs? Not really, because the fact they're not legal makes them far too dangerous, but it's interesting as someone who knows (clearly a little too much for thier own good) about pharmacology to see how little anyone knows about illegal drugs.

Also, you do have to accept that some drugs aren't going to teach you much… Opiates will indeed make you see why people take them and teach you the value of antihistamines…. and not a lot else. But having said that, I did actually learn that they're not THAT good, so clearly emotional and physical pain make them very much more habbit forming.

Alan Valiente

Jul 7, 2019, 9:59 am Reply

As a chef I am given a lot of expensive liqour and wine. Would hate to waste it. But I will try not getting drunk anymore. I believe in being able to taste things, but not getting drunk would be my route.

Martin Reimers

Jul 7, 2019, 11:26 am Reply

Im in!

Sam Hincks

Jul 7, 2019, 6:52 pm Reply

That's one hell of a smile 🙂

YLGOTBARS

Jul 7, 2019, 6:48 pm Reply

Four years later but I'm in.

ZugzogTV

Jul 7, 2019, 12:47 am Reply

i think this can translate to weed as well

Mobin Rood

Jul 7, 2019, 10:46 am Reply

oh man i am just about to go to a restaurant to have some wine with roast pork knuckles

Martin Fox

Jul 7, 2019, 4:08 pm Reply

A friend just sent me this link. Great stuff. I'm in!!!

Dew Hope

Jul 7, 2019, 10:00 pm Reply

I enjoy meeting up with a friend over a coffee a lot more than at the pub.

A M

Jul 7, 2019, 4:49 am Reply

Go out have a good time be yourself drink if you want to. If you know who you are there’s no problem. I drink very light when I’m out only because I’m very quick to say fuck it. However that’s also my first thought just have to talk myself through it but yeah know yourself

Carter Mermer

Jul 7, 2019, 6:21 am Reply

I’m in

Myles high

Jul 7, 2019, 10:23 am Reply

Socially dependent on alcohol just about describes everyone in Britain.

Noble Road

Aug 8, 2019, 8:45 pm Reply

Drinking almost destroyed me. I quit drinking 16 years ago and it is the best decision I ever made.

Jamie Baier

Aug 8, 2019, 7:30 pm Reply

I stopped drinking years ago and look at it like I do cigarettes- I can't believe I use to do that to myself.

youngboy3082

Aug 8, 2019, 2:00 am Reply

I'm in!

Sportsdxw 444

Aug 8, 2019, 7:32 pm Reply

I’m here for my dad

Mingzhao Xu

Aug 8, 2019, 7:39 am Reply

It's also a carcinogen.

Dustin Duffy

Aug 8, 2019, 9:58 pm Reply

IN!

Philip Garcia

Sep 9, 2019, 5:37 am Reply

Been in my whole life. Not changing anytime soon 😁

Devi lotus Yoga

Sep 9, 2019, 1:52 am Reply

Thank you

majority rules

Sep 9, 2019, 12:59 pm Reply

It does. Grateful for the relief but I don't want to drink anymore.

Emma McShane

Sep 9, 2019, 6:40 pm Reply

I haven't drank in 13 years

Mostly because I'm 13 but like this channel is actually a lifesaver. I'm binging a lot of the videos and they're all extremey helpful thank you for this channel in general

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