Eugene Ranks Cheap American Beer
And now, time for my theme song. Click to subscribe. You know, I don’t like when people do that in a video. I don’t want you to tell me what to do while I’m watching a video. Like, I’m already watching, you don’t tell me to click somewhere else, Jesus Christ. I’m a really terrible YouTuber. [Try Guys Theme Song] [Video Intro] Welcome to the Rank King, the show where I rank things. I’m your Rank King Why am I the Rank King? I’m super judgemental and I love to put things in order. Today, we are ranking cheap American beer. I’m judging today’s cheap American beer on three different things: One: Aesthetic. How good does that can look? Two: Taste. Is there flavor? Three: Chugability. How many do we have again? Fifteen? I just did that and- did- wasn’t even counting. I will be putting them in order, from best… to worst. You disagree with me? Shut up! I’m right, you’re wrong. Shut up. Our first beer: Bud Light The golden standard of cheap American beer. It’s like the red, white, and blue of every college party. You got the Red Solo cups, you got the blue Bud Light cans, and a lot of white people. Ooooh. This tastes like water to me, but like really good water. Chug-ability: so smooth, so easy, God, I’ve chugged so many Bud Lights in my life. Bud lights are like… Michaels You probably know a million Michaels. But really just the most average. Sorry, Michaels, but it’s true. It will perfectly start us off right in the middle. If your name is Michael, please comment below if you happen to be outstanding. [whoosh] Miller Lite! Y’all ready for this? [can opening] Ugh. It’s like an audible orgasm. An eargasm. A beergasm! It’s just the beer can you imagine when someone litters a beer can. Chug-ability! Yep, totally chuggable. [Lip smacking] Dare I say, I think this tastes better than Bud Light. They’re both iconic, they taste really similar, but Miller Lite has a little bit more flavor. I would say Miller Lite one-ups Bud Light. Wow. Already, surprises galore. [whoosh] Coors Light. Please welcome: E: My friend and yours, Keith Habersberger!
K: I’m Keith! E: Why Coors Light? K: So, Coors Light helped me move here to California. K: I was the voice of Coors Light for some radio ads. E: Really? K: Yeah, I said: “Here you go, two Coors lights.” K: It’s a taste as cold as the Rockies. Rockies are cold. E: Why do you think Coors Light is more beautiful than the others? K: ‘Cause the can- the mountains turn blue! E: It’s also a little taller and skinnier than the other ones.
K: Just like me! K: I’d say Coors Light is definitely skinny-fat. [can opening] E:Ugh. E: Now do you like the taste of Coors Light? K: Do I find it refreshing? I think it’s more drinkable because it has less flavor. E: They’re all non-flavor. K: Yeah, they all kind of taste like college carpet and then the mouth is huge K: You can chug this easier than any other beer by can design. Such a big mouth. E: It comes down to the flavor because they’re all very similar and I’m gonna have to put it… below Miller Lite and Bud Light. K: It’s fair. E: All right, thanks so much Keith. K: Alright bye!!
E: Get out of here! K: Bye, I had a great time! That was fun, but he was wrong. Why? Because I’m the Rank King [whoosh] Pabst Blue Ribbon, otherwise known as PBR. Everyone associates this beer with hipsters, but I also think of those old men on porches, you know, when they are like, rocking back and forth in the rocking chair with their shotgun. I’m from Texas. [can opening] [groans] Already I can immediately tell that this is PBR. It’s a little weedier. Tastes like you’re smokin’ pot. And, of course, chugability: it does have that hoppiness to it that makes it a little more difficult to chug. But, because of its unique flavor, I have to place it above the big three light beers. I’m outside! I’m outside. Rolling Rock. Ah, I cut myself! I do like how green the can is, it’s very vibrant. Mmm That is not good. That’s got a real metallic flavor, It tastes like the can. Chugability. People think that the number 33, which is printed on every Rolling Rock can, is a conspiracy theory. I agree. Illuminati. Keith! Is there a joke for 33? [Laughing] What the fuck is that? I’m going to have to put it below… in our current ranking. Michelob Ultra. Ooh, look at this sexy can. This is a very unique beer can; it is long and slender… It looks fancy. I remember this beer growing up because my dad’s an avid golfer, and golfers love Michelob Ultra. (Shout Out to Eugene’s Father) Ooh! Good pop. Clean, refreshing, this is delicious. It’s really good. I’m surprised how good this is. Really clean chug! I have to say that Michelob Ultra is… taking the lead. Yes. It has surpassed PBR. If you disagree, you know what- you know what it is, right? If they disagree, Keith? You know what it is. What is it? Yeah, baby! Six beers in… getting in it. Rank King is gettin’ raaaaaank. Next up! [whoosh] Simpler Times. Pretty sweet, huh? Pretty sweet throw. The aesthetic: What the fuck is going on here? This looks like… a design your grandma made when she was trying to come up with a brand for her lemonade at home. Sorry, grandma, your taste sucks! This is the beer from Trader Joe’s [can opening] Ooh! Simpler times, not so simple, are ya? Little bit of a… herbal bite? Not as chuggable as our big three light beers. But the flavor does make me feel like it needs to rise above… the middle of the pack, underneath PBR, but ahead of our big three light beers. Simpler Times, look at you! Look at- go- You go, grandma! Next up: [whoosh] Steel reserve. It’s m’boyyyy Zachary Kornfeld. Z: We’re the denim dudes E: Denim dudes, wearing jeans. With Eugene and Zach! Z: Steel reserve, is not just a beer. It’s an experience. Z: This is a whopping… E & Z: 8.1 percent. Z: This is a heavy alcohol! E: I think this is our strongest cheap beer, right? Give it to me. E: There’s so much fine print, E: You know, this is how they fucking get you. This how the fucking legals get you! E: As much as I, uh, have reservations about the aesthetic, Z: You have RESERVE-ations?
K: *off camera* Wow! E: Ready? [can opening] E: God, it’s so good, right? E: I can say with confidence, you can taste the alcohol. E: *off camera* You taste that… alcohol? K: Ugh. Z: This tastes like mistakes.
E: It’s not chuggable. Z: I don’t think it’s a beer for chugging [buzz] think it’s a beer… for fighting. [ding] E: I’m going to put it above Rolling Rock-
Z: Whaaat? E: But below Coors Light-
Z:The- fuck you! E: Sorry man. Z: Whoaaaa. E: It’s just- it’s just- it doesn’t fulfill the criteria- Z: This is an aggression. E: I’m right, E: you’re wrong, Z: Fuck you! E: Shut up. I’m just drinking so much beer and I just got to go. [Peeing] Sorry. Sorry guys. Are you hearing the pee? I’m sorry? (producer acts disgusted in the background, ) [peeing sounds] Busch! Busch! This is some discount-looking Coors. Am I right? Trying to cop that mountain action. That mountain aesthetic. You think you’re Coors ,Busch? You think you’re Coors? [Beer Explosion] That- oh-ho-hoooo! Shit…. Keith! Keith! Keith! Aw, I’m all wet. Oh, that’s bad. So I have to say, the flavor of Busch is not very good. It is truly the worst-tasting, so far, out of all the beer. Busch is taking the lead at the bottom I want a breakfast burrito That is what I want Keystone Light. This looks like a- like a- graphic design student made this can. [can opening] Mmm… music to my ears. I think we have another shitty one! Definitely chuggable. I can see why people would want to party with this, but it doesn’t taste very good. [BURP] It will go towards the bottom of our ranking between a rock and a ha-Busch place! E: Pretty good Keith, right.
K: Yeah? Between a rock and a Busch place! K: Yeah? I mean there’s a mountain on it. I could say hard place ’cause there’s a mountain on it. K: You- Yeah. E: Um, between a rock and a Busch place. You know, it’s not funny when I said it again. Next we got: [whoosh] Natty light. Also known as Natural Light, but people like to say Natty Light because it’s way more fun. Doesn’t this look like a pack of cigarettes? [can opening] E: We should start an ASMR channel or just-
K: *off camera* We should!
E: Yeah, where it’s just things opening. [lip smack] I feel like this is a convenience store beer. This is the closest to water we’ve had so far. Sorry, Natty Light fans, but this light is at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel being my ranking. The puns are getting… progressively worse as I drink. This is working. Is it working for you Keith? Do you like the show? Is it? Look at my crotch! Mm. [whoosh] Natty Ice! [Laughing] Natural Ice. [laughs] It looks like a 90’s tattoo. You want the Natural Ice, Clementine? This is Clementine. Come here. Does this look like it should be emblazoned on someone’s shirt in NASCAR? Right? What do you think? Do you think this is a NASCAR label? Cheers! Bye Clementine, thank you so much for joining us. K: (laughing) Wow, that tastes exactly like Natural Light. Not as chuggable as this, so I’m gonna have to put Natty Ice at the bottom. Emily, my light! Emily! You can do it! Use those shoulders We’re down to the last three beers. [gurgling noises] And of course we’re returning to the big three With Budweiser. It’s Edward! N: WOOOOOOOH N: YEAHHH, BUDWEISER BABY! Get all these outta here! E: Whoa, Ned! The order! N: Get. Them. Outta here! I don’t care about the order ’cause there’s only one beer that matters here. N: That’s Budweiser. A.k.a. America. A.k.a. beer. N: YEAH! WOOOOH! B: [barks] N: Yeah! Bad Behavior! N: Sorry that I messed up your inferior beers. E: First, Let’s discuss.
N: First, horses. E: No. I appreciate that Budweiser stays true to the classic fonts- this whole, like, beautiful, sort of retro design. N: It’s just like America. It doesn’t have to try too hard and still comes out… near the top. E: Ehhhh N: This is the most American beer in America that’s… owned by a Belgian conglomerate. N: Chugability! N: You know it- its a little thicker.
E: The flavor is distinctly way better than Bud Lite. It is- it’s just better N: It’s just better.
E: But it’s not extraordinarily better that it deserves a first place position right now. N: Okay. Here’s my thing, uh, you’re wrong on that last point. E: I’m right. You’re wrong. Shut up.
N: Okay, he’s the *singing* Rank King! E: But I’m gonna put it right here. N: Whoo! Good enough. Thanks Ned! Thanks Ned’s dad! Go back to your baby. I’m gonna- Nestle my babies, which is this baby. [laughing backstage] Coors Banquet… you’re gonna go to the bank and be quiet [can opening] How is Ned still a hurricane as a father? Can wise, it is way more unique than the Coors Light. It does look dated. It’s like it’s from the 70s, which I like. [lip smacking and laughing] It really does make Budweiser taste kind of Basic. There is a little, like, hip shimmy… in this Coors Banquet. There’s a little *mouth pop* Little tongue pop. Not as distinct as this, but it definitely has a better flavor profile …than Budweiser. I feel, because I’m right Cuz I’m fucking right. Bud Light is better than Coors Light, but I think Coors Banquet is better than Budweiser Is that possible? Is it possible, Keith? Wow. Look at this. Wow. I’m really fucking, the- the Rank King. I’m really the Rank King, you know, I’m the Rank. King! I think we should move on for the final beer (More Pissing) Miller High Life, the champagne beers, and even if this might have been redesigned multiple times, this re-design looks like it’s going backwards in time. It’s simple. It’s borderline ugly. And I think the champagne of beer is kind of a joke, but that’s what kind of makes it beautiful. [can opening] Ugh. So- It’s a lot of head Hmmmm Hmmm Hmmmmm Hmm Clean, very light, no weird aftertaste. Chugability test Perfectly chugable. Ooh this is a high rated one. But is it better than…? Oh, wasn’t expecting this This has more flavor than Michelob Ultra. Michelob Ultra is smooth as f*ck. I might have to place the champagne of beer in the number one position. Oh my god! Oh my god. That- that is so audacious. Now that I’ve put a preliminary ranking down- Does that look actually quite even? Did I naturally put it in even braking? Wow! Look at me! I’m gonna make sure this is the perfect order by going down the rank. It’s time… to close ranks! Wow, does taste like weed. Ugh, It’s like vodka. I have to make a final decision, and here it is. This, in a lineup tastes like I licked a robot’s ass. So I’m going to change Rolling Rock and Keystone Light. Is that crazy? Is that crazy? I’m crazy. I’m a crazy person. I am going to move PBR below Coors Banquet… and also below Budweiser I am sorry PBR fans. PBR as delicious as it might seem on first taste, is not as chugg-able as these four up here. Here is the definitive ranking for cheap American beer. What else would you like me to rank? Sodas? Pie? So wet I can rank all version 150 Pokemon like this. Oh. My. God, like. You. Don’t. Even. Know. [Heavy metal music outro] I’m right, you’re wrong, shut up. Um, didn’t this work? Is that possible? Is it possible, Keith? Are you sure? [explosion] *singing* DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH RANK KING!