Best Southern Sodas — Bless Your Rank

By Brian Lemay No comments

– My name is Matt, welcome
to Bless Your Rank, and today we are ranking southern sodas, or cokes, depending on what
part of the south you’re from. Which one can get me the
closest to diabetes as possible? That’s what we’re looking at today. (country music) (punching) Just to clarify, today’s competition is not open to all southern soft drinks, because that’s pretty much all of them. This is just regional sodas. These may not be available in your grocery store or in your gas station, and for good reason, probably, because some of them probably suck. I’m gonna put the sodas into my belly. I’ll met my belly do the decision making. That’s pretty much how I’ll operate with all things in life. Taste, taste, taste. Maybe taste. First competitor, Big Red. Big Red. I thought this was a bubblegum. That’s the thing about
today’s competition. Most of these I’ve never had before. Big Red is from Texas, or Tejas, as you say if you can’t pronounce Xs. Aw, it’s made with real sugar,
and they have a website. That’s pretty much all Big Red wants you to know about their drink. (sniffing) Man. It smells like sugar. It smells like a lot of sugar. Here we go. Oh man. The first bit when it comes in your mouth is like whoa, this is a whole lot of sugar that I’m ingesting right now. Second sip, just all sugar. Just only tasting the sugar now. So first thoughts, it’s red. Generally try not to drink red things, because I’m not a vampire. Number two, just super sugary. It has 38 grams of sugar. What does that mean? I have no idea. I’m three sips in and I’m
getting jittery right now. I mean, I’m getting jacked up off Big Red. I can’t imagine drinking
a whole bottle of this and living to tell about it. People in Texas love this, which would make a little bit of sense,
now that I’m thinking about it. Texas is a big place, and you need a lot of energy to run around. I can understand why you would just digest as much sugar as possible to cover as much ground as possible. I’m starting to understand
Texas a little more. So Big Red is a central fuel to Texans, probably a little bit too
much for other southerners. Competitor number two is
Cheerwine, since 1917, from the great state of North Carolina. I’ve never had Cheerwine before either. Lot of first times for me today. This is a day that we’ll always remember, you and me and all these sugary drinks. But I’ve heard that it’s like Dr. Pepper, which sounds great to
me, I love Dr. Pepper. That’s pretty good, this is pretty good. It’s like you’ve taken a Dr. Pepper that’s been sitting out
flat for about 6 hours, and then put, you know, a good bit of cherry flavor in that,
that’s what it tastes like. I like this a lot. I feel like it’s turning my tongue red. No? Okay. (fizzing)
You hear that? That’s magic. This is really good. Part of me feels really
guilty, the Baptist side of me, about drinking something called
wine, but this is delicious. I’m going to say that this is the best soft drink that I’ve had today. But I’ve only had two. Next up, ALE81. Am I saying that right? Elate one. I have had this one other
time, and it was decent. Is there a fake ALE81? Is there an ALE82 running around out there and they need to, you know,
clarify that we came first? And, I like this, there’s
a story on the bottle. Let’s see how hard I can
tap it to make it come out. In 1926, my great great uncle Lee introduced a ginger and citrus soft drink like no other at the Clark County Fair. The only thing my Uncle
Lee ever introduced at a county fair got him on a registry and several months in jail, so. From that day on, the indescribable taste of this bluegrass (gibberish). You know what, screw it. You know, they have a website too. I’m sure you could go read it on. Again, sugar, a lot. Let’s just have a go. Yeah, lots of ginger, lots of ginger, which I’m not that big of a fan of. Could use a more citrusy flavor. It’s okay. It’s alright. It’s okay. It’s alright. It’s Kentucky, okay? Not disparaging Kentucky. I just think your tastebuds are probably a little bit
different than the rest of us. So overall, it’s not bad. It’s smooth. Smooth. Smooth. Smooth. You take a ginger ale and you mix it with two drops of Sprite. Let it sit out in the sun. Take a handful of Kentucky
bluegrass, blend it, and then mix it in there, then drink it. That’s how ALE81 is made. I’ve just told you the
secret formula to ALE81. I place ALE81 in ALE second place. That doesn’t make sense. Contestant number four, Abita Root Beer. Not real beer, because I
would enjoy that too much. Made with Louisiana cane sugar. I’ve not had this before. I just learned not too long ago that Abita even made root beer. I have high hopes for this. I love root beer. Number one is IBC, number two is Barq’s, number three is Mug, but I love Mug. I love all root beer. I can’t imagine I would dislike this, because I’ve never had bad root beer. This is really good. It doesn’t have the same,
like, crisp aftertaste. It finishes a little soft. I don’t know what makes that, I’m not a root beer scientist. That sounds like a
really sweet job though, so if that exists, tell
me where I send my resume. But I was hoping this would be, like, the greatest root beer I’ve ever had, and would replace IBC root beer. Is it IBC? ICB? ICU? That’s where I’m gonna be after I drink all these sodas today,
in the intensive care unit. But I do like it. I guess it’s cool that it’s
made with Louisiana cane sugar? There are a lot more delicious things in Louisiana that you could put in this root beer that I would appreciate. If this would Abita root
beer made with boudin, then sure, I would probably like that a little bit better,
that sounds delicious. I would say right now, Abita is a very close second to
Cheerwine, the Abita Root Beer. Contestant number five
is, struggling there? You got it. It’s a little RC Cola, a southern classic. Oh man, I’ve had lots of RC Colas before, because I am a southerner, and this is actually what they give you when you’re born in the south. They spank your butt to make sure you cry and your lungs work, then they check your vital signs, and then they give you
a bottle of RC Cola. That’s why the hospital I was
born at isn’t open anymore. That’s what I feel like right now. Like an old friend just come out here to hang out with us now. How you doing, RC? I’m doing just great. What? You’ve had too much sugar already today. Well, yes I have, RC Cola!
(laughter) Here we go. Man, that’s a good. Man, that’s a lot better
than I remembered it being. This is better than Coke. (laughter)
What am I saying? No, this is actually, this is
definitely better than Pepsi. Don’t trust anyone who says
I prefer Pepsi over Coke. This is the blasphemy that I
was about to come in here with, that I was gonna say this is
on par with some Sam’s Choice. You know, that was the thing. You remember as a kid
going to a birthday party, and there’s a lot of kids there. They went with cheap pizza, and what are you gonna get to drink? There’s two liters of Sam’s
Choice sitting around. You know, it’ll do. This is better than that. This is better than I was expecting. You know what would make this
feel a little bit better? If I had a little Moonpie
to go along with it. I’ll use my southern meditation powers to make one appear on the table. Om.
(sparkling music) Did it happen yet? Oh, it worked!
(laughter) This is the traditional way
to eat the southern lunch. You just bite and chew it, swallow it, then you drink another one. How else would you do it? Some kind of monster or something? This is tough. Now we’ve got some
competitors at the table here. The RC Cola is great, and I risk having to lose my southern card, but by saying that RC is
not the best drink up here. It’s second to Cheerwine right now. You can be angry at me if you want to, but just know that I don’t care. Contestant number six. Of the drinks so far, this is the one I had the most in my childhood. I love drinks that were like
Sunkist and peach flavored. This is Nehi Peach. But I had peach Sunkist more. It’s been a very long time
since I’ve had Peach Nehi. This is gonna bring back
some pleasant memories. Here we go, down the hatch. Ooh. I can see why I liked this as a child. This is the strongest blast
of artificial peach flavoring you could possibly and probably
legally get in one drink. Ooh, man. Yeah, this is by far the sugariest drink that we have up here, and that explains why I liked this as a child, and why now, I am overweight. I don’t know why I’m
going back to it though. Because sugar is addictive. This is probably not legal in
California, if I had to guess. This is tough, because it feels like childhood Matt would get really mad for what I’m about to do, as
far as wrecking Peach Nehi. I’m gonna put it right here, in between Abita Root Beer and ALE81,
because it’s just, like, it just doesn’t do it for me as an adult. This is a kid’s drink. If you’re an adult, and you’re
still chugging Peach Nehis like they’re water, number
one, seek medical help, number two, you have the
tastebuds of a child. I’ve had a lot of soda pops today. There’s a number seven. Seven. And the final competitor
today comes in a can. Sun Drop, naturally flavored citrus soda. I’ve had Sun Drop before, although it has been a very long time and I cannot remember at
all what it tastes like. So the question is did I really have it? It’s like you don’t remember
quite like they really were. Like Berenstain Bears. It’s not really Berenstein
Bears, it’s the Berenstain Bears. Stop, pause the video,
Google it right now. I’ll wait for you. Okay, you’re back? Whoa, mind blowing, right? I know. Kind of like Sun Drop. What does it taste like? I have no idea. Also, this is the drink that we left up to our Facebook supporters to decide which one would have the final spot up here at the table. We gave them four options, and Sun Drop overwhelmingly was the favorite. So that is why I’m drinking Sun Drop. Also, I kind of appreciate this. Sun Drop doesn’t tell me how long they’ve been around, because I don’t care. All of these drinks are like grandpas. Like, they’re all talking about, like, back in 1926 in Kentucky
when I invented ALE81. That’s what, this is a
bunch of Pappaws up here, arguing about back in the day. Sun Drop’s just forget
that, we’re cool and hip. We hope you accidentally grab us thinking we’re Mellow Yellow. Alright, let’s open it after
I’ve shaken it up real good. ASMR with Matt. (soda pops open) Didn’t fizz as much as I thought it would. I don’t hate it. I honestly thought that it
would taste pretty terrible. It’s pretty good. It tastes like a half and half mixture of Mountain Dew and Sprite. No bitter, sugary, any
type of weird aftertaste. It’s a good drink. Why is this not in our
vending machine at work? This is what I wanna know. I demand answers. And Sun Drop. I like that a lot. I’m really putting it
down, which makes no sense. I’m not thirsty, I’ve had
a lot of liquid today. I’m going to need to go to
the bathroom again very soon. Maybe it’s the sugar, I don’t know. Maybe it’s, I don’t know, I don’t know. I feel like I need to destroy things, just shake them violently. I can say, confidently, that it is better than all of these other drinks up here, from RC down to Big Red,
definitely better than Big Red. Better than Cheerwine, though? No, I don’t think that
it’s better than Cheerwine. I think Sun Drop is in second place. (laughter)
So, post ranking feeling. I’m very jittery. Tastebuds shot. Overall, though, I learned
a lot of things today, because I’ve never had some
of these drinks before, and now it’s opened up
a whole new world to me. Next time I’m in a gas
station and I see Cheerwine, I’m gonna grab it.
(applause) I’m gonna get a big
old glass of Cheerwine. I’m gonna pay for it though,
and then I’m gonna drink it, because shoplifting is illegal. I also learned that Big
Red is toilet water. I know that there’s some
Big Red fans out there, you’re probably getting
really angry at me, using that angry emoji face
reaction, but look at me. Look at me right now in the eyes. I don’t care. Alright, so that was very educational. And now we’re gonna try
something, maybe, uh, a little hack that you can use at home. This table is shiny now. It’s like Pinesol. Okay, ALE81 is Pinesol. I figured it out. (country music) Yeah, this is cleaner, I knew it. I was drinking Pinesol.
(country music)

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